If Microsoft built cars

For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on

Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engine

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats

MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads

The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light

Now seats would force everyone to have the same size butt

The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off

Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

You'd press the start button to shut off the engine"

Blonde in Casino

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

For you over "40" fogies like me...

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH


1972: Long hair

2002: Longing for hair



1972: The perfect high

2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund



1972: KEG

2002: EKG



1972: Acid rock

2002: Acid reflux



1972: Moving to California because it's cool

2002: Moving to California because it's warm



1972: Growing pot

2002: Growing pot belly



1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor



1972: Seeds and stems

2002: Roughage



1972: Popping pills, smoking joints

2002: Popping joints



1972: Killer weed

2002: Weed killer



1972: Hoping for a BMW

2002: Hoping for a BM



1972: The Grateful Dead

2002: Dr. Kevorkian



1972: Going to a new, hip joint

2002: Receiving a new hip joint



1972: Rolling Stones

2002: Kidney Stones



1972: Being called into the principal's office

2002: Calling the principal's office



1972: Screw the system

2002: Upgrade the system



1972: Disco

2002: Costco



1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved



1972: Taking acid

2002: Taking antacid



1972: Passing the drivers' test

2002: Passing the vision test



1972: Whatever

2002: Depends



Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable TV.

They cannot fathom NOT having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef," "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "DE plane Boss, DE plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

Be carefull joke

The Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first
priest.


The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this
week 'count,' St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no
way we can keep track of what you're doing."


"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and *POOF*, the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult." "Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in West Virginia.

Not more Blonde Jokes ?

Received this today from a Blonde in our office:

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"


A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says,
"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 A.M.
Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and
told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to
find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... "Here is your money.
I cannot believe that one
blonde would do this to another!"

an italian joke for you

an italian girl gets married and on the night of her honeymoon she is still a virgin.actually she has never seen a man naked.her husband walks into te bedroom and sits beside her and starts to take of his shirt.she is terrified to see he has a very airy back and runs upstairs to her mom.
"mama i cant do it, he took off his shirt,he has the hairiest back in the world"
"maria go dwnstairs and do what a good wife should do"
so maria goes back to her husband.as she opens the door he is taking off his pants and she notices his ass is just as hairy,so she runs back upstairs.
"mama i cant do it he has the hairiest ass ive ive ever seen"
"maria go downstairs and do what a good wife should do"
so maria goes back to her husband.when she opens the door her husband is standing naked waiting for her.horrified she realizes for the first time he is handicaped and is missing half of his left foot,and runs back upstairs.
"mama i cant do it,he took off all his clothes and he has a foot and a half"
"maria you wait here i am going downstairs"

funny - have all of your wives and gfriends read this...

some may have seen this, but i just read it and almost p'd my pants!!






To Women Everywhere from a Man Who's Had Enough

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair--ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentine's Day, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Do NOT expect us to act like they are.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. Also, shopping is not fun, and we will never think of it that way either.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

And don't say "we" need to do something when there is no way you can do it. We're not fooled. We know it's just another honeydew (honey, do this; honey do that). Just ask us to do it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of thirty would look good with your dress?

"Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners (unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the @#$% they're saying anyway).

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and if one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway. It's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know I really don't mind that? It's like camping out, only more comfortable

New Joke

An elderly couple, both 78 went to visit their doctor in Winter Haven Florida.
Upon seeing them in his office the doctor asked, "what can I help you folks with"?
The gentleman replied, "Well doctor, we like you to watch us have sexual intercourse".
Although an unusual request the doctor agreed.
When they had finished the doctor said, "well, I dont see anything wrong with they way you are having intercourse" and charged them $50.
This continued for several weeks when the doctor finally aked the couple, "why do you keep coming to see me every week to watch you have sexual intercourse?"
The gentleman again replied, "You see Doc, I'm married so we cant go to my house. And shes married too so we cant go to her house either". "The Holiday Inn charges $90 and the Hilton charges $140. You only charge $50 and I get $43 back from medicade".

__________________

more jokes

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both
were
blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and

fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,
since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same

as
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my
mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you

are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
all
over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have
really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd
say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French "!!!!!