Because I'm a man ...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the
same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for
which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).
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Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger. I mean, how the hell could he know where we're
going?
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I
don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2002, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest.
This has been a public service message for Women, to better
understand the Male species
Joke
The Phone Call
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there,
the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her
lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you
called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrifiic.
Great!
Thanks.
Okay.
Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A Blind Purchase
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know
which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is
a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says,
"Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He
said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test
line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says,
"That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take
it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the
woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that
there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that
she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will
be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00,
and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
The Chase
A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden! Immediately, one of
the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods and hot on
his heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and
stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game
warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped. With that,
the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as
a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid
license!"
"Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there,
well, he don't have one
Anger Therapy
This is not mine but it is funny and thought I would pass it on.
HV
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answeredsaying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Bob, could I please speak
with Robin?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're
an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and
said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling
to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him
back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot
ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote
down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,
too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man
with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me
where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house
and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months
of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1. "Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah, where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out
front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2:
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th
Street,
and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police
helicopter, and news crew.
Now, I feel better.
It's Great To Be A Man Because:
IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN BECAUSE:
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just
too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
You're not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24 in 5
minutes.
Joke
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over)I
noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me
over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I
replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What? ... a rectum stretcher?, and what does a rectum
stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get
both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a
bridge..."
The ticket - - $95.00 The look on his face - - PRICELESS
Here is another one !!
It's the first day of school in Houston and the
teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking
them their names and what their parents do for a
living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and
my daddy is a postman and my mommy sells
Tupperware."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my daddy
is a doctor and my mommy is a lawyer."
The next kid says: "My name is Jimmy and my
father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay
men and my mommy is a hooker."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the
subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher
approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really
true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar and that
his Mom is a hooker.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my Mom is an
accountant for Enron and Dad is an auditor for
Arthur Andersen. I was just too embarrassed to say
so."
Perfect (Joke)
Perfect
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the
road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys and his sleigh broken. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in
the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates
another point: Women never listen.