Fishing Joke

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater".

Barracks Humor

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your

fly is open."



He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"



The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

A couple o' jokes....

1.) Two guys from Texas were out hunting for deer one summer's day. After about an hour, one of the hunters drops his rifle, clutches his chest, and collapses. The other hunter panics, and grabs out his cell phone to call the Paramedics. A woman gets on the line..."Emergency Hotline...what is the emergency?" The hunter, gasping, screams, "Ya' gotta help me - I was huntin' with mah buddy, and he grabbed his chest, wheezed, and collapsed - I think he's DEAD!" The woman on the other end replies, "OK now calm down sir, I can help you....first thing we gotta do is make sure your friend is actually dead....." Then she hears, "BANG! OK Now what?"

2.) A man is standing at the bus stop. He notices an elderly woman (about 90 years old or so) sitting on the bench there, crying. He goes up to her and asks, "Maam, what's troubling you?" She replies, "Sonny....I'm married to a 22-year-old man, and every morning he makes mad passionate love to me and fixes me eggs, sausage, bacon and toast for breakfast." The man, surprised, says, "Well that doesn't seem like something to be upset about." then the woman says, "And for lunch, he makes me pot roast, and mashed potatoes, and gives me a wonderful massage..." The man then says, "So, what's the matter?" She interrupts...."And for dinner, he fixes me a rotisserie chicken with all the trimmings, and gives me a sponge bath!" Finally, the man says firmly, "SO WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" She replies........"I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!!"

3.) A woman enters a bar with a duck on her shoulder. A drunk man walks right up to her and says, "Hiccup! That's some nice lookin' pig you got there!" She says, angrily, "It is not a pig, sir, it is a DUCK!" He replies, "Yeah, I know - I was talkin' to the duck!"

Just a few tidbits of humor from Uncle Jared!

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession
starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off
his cap, and bows his head. The
procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on
his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and
continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't
know you had it in you." The first guy
responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do -
after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Another Funny....

Quantas Aircraft Maintenance Humor

Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department store. He approached the store manager who responded they needed no help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why don't you show up and you can give it a try." The elated boy returned the following day and proceeded to sell. At the end of the day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of merchandise. The manager asked how he had done so well. The young man said, "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks, he said sure, That's $1.50. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole for $43.50. Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer... so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked here he was going fishing and he said Strawberry
Reservior. I told him the best places to catch fish are near the center, "Do you have a boat?" The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00. Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all." As you can imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied, "Oh no, it all began with him asking for some tampons which were $3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else this weekend, you might as well go fishing!"
Pete

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area
of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast
for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on
his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean? His
grandfather replied....those plates are as clean
as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again....are you sure these
plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather
says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
them, now don't ask me about it anymore!

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him
pass....Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching,
Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!

If Ducks Could Hunt

Bill and Hillary

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find
out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle
of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened
to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately
starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With
all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have
you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely
audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"