Posted by Pete L on 2002 AM:

Christmas Eve -- Italian Style

I thought it would be a good idea to bring a date to my parents house on Christmas Eve.
I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.
I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges in a pear tree.
So......I was wrong. Sue me!!!

I had only known Karen for a few weeks when i extended the invitation. “I know these family things can be a little
wierd” I told her, ‘but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmass Eve.

“Sounds fine to me “, Karen said.

I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I would be bringing Karen with me. She`s a very nice girl ,
and she is looking forward to meeting all of you.

Sounds fine to me , my mother said.
And that was that. Two phone calls,two sounds fine to me. What more could i ask for?

I should point out, i suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is THE social event of the year- an Italian
womans raison d`etre. She cleans , cooks , bakes,orchestrates every minute of the entire evening.
Christmas Eve is what Italian woman live for. I should also point out, I suppose that when it comes to the kind of
woman that make Italian men go nuts ,Karen is it. She doesn`t clean. She doesnt cook. She doesn`t bake. And she
has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being...........I brought her any way.

7pm -- We arrive.
Karen and I walk in and wait around for 1/2 an hour , waiting for the other guests to arrive. During that time , my
mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen doesn`t cook,clean or bake.
My father is equally observant. He pulls me aside and notes, “She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a
human being”.

7:30 --Others arrive
Uncle Ziti , Aunt Mafalde ,assorted kids, assorted gifts.
We sit around the table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce,roasted peppers. black olives,
sdalami,prosciutto,provolone and anchovies. When I offer to fix Karen a plate she says thank you.
But none of those things, okay? She points to the anchovies. You don`t like anchovies I ask? I don`t like fish ,
Karen announces to all as 67 other varieties of foods that swim are baking, broiling , boiling and simmering in the
next room.

My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable.
Aunt Mafaldi asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. She says Knockwurst.
My father , who is still staring in a daze, at Karens chest , temporarily snaps out of it to murmer “Knockers”?
My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. This is not going the way I had hoped.

8:00 Second course

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she will make her
own. with butter and ketsup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my “Merry Christmas” napkin
and place it on the “Merry Christmas” table cloth and walk into the kitchen. “I don`t want to start any trouble” my
mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. “But if she pours this on my pasta, i`m going to throw
acid in her face!!!” Come on i tell her - It`s Christmas , let her eat what she wants. She considers it , and then
nods. As i turn to walk back to the dinning room , she grabs me by the shoulder. Tell me the truth she says ,
are you serious with this tramp??? She`s not a tramp i reply ,and i`ve only known her for three weeks.
It`s your life she says , but if you marry her , she will poison you.

8:30 More fish
My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants
they hold. All the woman get up tp clear away the dishes, except for Karen, who instead lights a cigarette. Why don`t
you give them a little hand ? i politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carring 3 forks.
“Dear , you don`t have to do that”my mother says , smiling painfully. Oh , ok Karen says,putting the forks into the
sink. As she reenters the dinning room , a wine glass flies over her head and smashes against the wall. From the
kitchen , my mother says- Whoops. I vaguely remember that line from Torch song Trilogy.
Whoops?? No. Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft.

More fish comes out. After some goading , Karen tries a piece of scungilli , which she describes as “slimy, like
worms. My mother winces., bites her hand and pounds her chest like you always see inthe sixth row of a funeral
home. Aunt Mafalde does the same thing. Karen , believing this is something that all Italian women do on
Chriatmas Eve , bites her hand and pounds her chest. My uncle Ziti doesn`t know what to make of it. My fathers
dentures fall out and chew a 6 inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 coffee, dessert
Espresso all around.. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk , my mother finnally
snaps , and slaps her in the face with a cannloi. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen , believing this is
something that Italian women do , picks up a cannoli , and slaps my mother with it.

This is fun,Karen says. Fun????? NO-- Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But ,amazingly , everyone is
laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my mother , who grabs me by the shoulder , laughs and says ,
“Get this Bitch out of my house!!!!!

Sounds fine to me. The End

If you aren`t laughing by now , you don`t know Italians.

Pete

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Pete LaFemina

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

Posted by JPBass on 2002 PM:

Pete,

My father was right off the boat (Palermo) and my mother Polish, from a small coal miner's town in Pa. which might as well of been Poland (everybody was Polish).

The clash of cultures at Holiday dinners was never anything less than hysterical. Half jabbering in Italian and half in Polish when they didn't want the others to know what they were saying.

Ever try lasagna and pirogies together??

And the Rummy game after dinner, Those poor farmers from Pa. didn't stand a chance! LOL

Well I guess you had to be there but judging from your story I guess you can relate a little.

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Posted by JOHN G on 2002 PM:

Pete, I don't know where you got that from but it is totally hilarious!!! JOHN G

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Posted by TVal on 2002 PM:

Great Story

Pete
Had me laughing so hard I almost pulled a Woody, ( Forgot, thats another post)
But have to ask, did you ever see Karen again? If you answer that she's your wife, I'll really die laughing.
Tim

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Posted by Pete L on 2002 PM:

JP- I can relate very well. One side of my family was like the dinner in the story. The other side was a free for all - pirogies , stuffed cabbage -- the whole deal.

Tim - Karen wouldn`t have made it thru the first course in my grandmothers house.

John- A friend of mine sent it to me. New you would enjoy it.

Pete

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Pete LaFemina

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

Posted by bobn on 2002 PM:

pete-i am very familiar with the italian style holidays and traditional meals-i had to laugh because it took hours to get through the dinner courses and the deserts- the food and drink were absolutely beautiful-after taking in about 4000 or more calories they would drink diet sodas to try to offset the tonnage-i was a lot younger and could care less about calories-it was funny to see the older people really enjoy food and then settle for a diet beverage because everything was so fattening-bobn--12/14--9:20pm

Posted by dodgeguy on 2002 AM:

i laughed so hard i woke everybody up!!!!

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Posted by JOHN G on 2002 AM:

Those were the days, weren't they though, where everybody ate to their hearts content and nobody worried about calories or cholesterol...

nowadays, it has gotten so complicated that we worry about different KINDS of cholesterol and we count GRAMS of carbs ...LOL......

we used to have about 35 to 40 people at all the major holidays.....

our dinners started out with Chicken Soup and homemade breads with butter

next was huge trays of lasagne, filled with meatballs and sausages....

as if that wasn't enough, there were bowls full of meatballs, sausages and brasciole...

couple of bowls of en salade of course, brimming with big fat olives, black..lol....

then would come the Turkey, along with the oven roasted potatoes dripping with turkey grease, and about 6 assorted vegetables...

and here is the kicker: they would put out a roast beef, my grandmother would say, " what if someone doesn't care for turkey!"...imagine!! at my house nowadays, I would say " F&% them!: HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH......

then , the men would go upstairs, and all fall asleep on couches , chairs the floor etc, while the women cleared the table and then changed it into a groaning table of desserts: crumb cake, toll houses cookies, chocolate cream pies, apple pies, layer cakes, and of course someone always brought over a ton of Pastries, cannolis, etc, and then there were the requisite home baked goodies, can't even remember the names, the little balls with honey on them, and the waffle like sheets, and of course the assorted butter cookies and such....they would wake up the men and the next round of eating orgy would begin......

and here is the best part of all, since this shindig used to start early, say about 1 pm, hell, by 6 or 7 oclock, we were in the kitchen making some leftover turkey sandwiches and wolfing them down!

absolutely unbelievable....the only thing we needed to complete this Dionysian Debacle was a feather to heave and then stuff ourselves some more....

but that was another thing, we didnt have bulimia back then either, because nobody was ashamed of having a little meat on their bones, good satisfying trips to the toilet seat for massive bms took care of any fullness back then! LOL....

memories...

JOHN G

Posted by Bass Rat on 2002 AM:

That was sooo great thanks pete, felt like I was back at grandmas house in Queens.

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Posted by GANGGREEN on 2002 AM:

John, our holidays sounded more like yours.

They'd start with wedding soup and a pasta dish. We'd have meatballs, sausage AND brasciole with the pasta. Then there would be TWO meat dishes, usually turkey and beef (unless it was New Year's. My grandmother would say that if you eat fowl on New Year's you'll peck all year but if you eat pork you'll get fat like a pig. And they thought that was a good thing).

Then would come the salads, there would be one with greens and another would be cucumbers or tomatoes drizzled with olive oil, garlic, oregano, salt and pepper and red wine vinegar.

Desserts usually amounted to cookies but sometimes my mother made pies too (sometimes we'd even see some German/Dutch influence with Schnitz pies). The cookies were gloves (you Italians probably know what these were), wedding cookies, biscott (not the biscotti that you buy in stores but Ciambellini if you know what those are) and the more American stuff like chocolate chip.

Oh, I miss those days. Of course I try to keep Italian Christmases alive in my home but my wife and I simply don't have the time to do all that baking/cooking (even though we know how).

Next spring I will make 20 loaves of Easter bread though just like my dad used to, that's another story though.

Posted by Pete L on 2002 AM:

You guy`s are making me hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John - Those little waffle cookies are pizzelles[prob. not the correct spelling] ----- i ate about 20 of the the other day.
And plan on making more this week. When we were kids , my brother and i would help my grandmother make them . Problem was - no matter how many she made there was only 1 or 2 on the plate. Until she chased us out of the kitchen!!!!!!

Gangreen - I would kill for a nice brasciole.
I`m trying to convince my wife to go for dinner tonite down on
Mulberry Street.

Pete

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There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

Posted by GANGGREEN on 2002 PM:

Oh, yeah, I forgot about pizzelles.

There were ALWAYS pizzelles.

Pete, I love brasciole too. Unfortunately I'm two hours from the nearest good Italian restaurant or grocery. If I want something like that I've got to make it myself.

OnceBitten, if you're reading this thread there IS a very nice little Italian grocery in Rochester. I forget the name of it but they have all the best Italian pastries and desserts (try the terramisu (sp?)) plus the finest Italian sausages (usually 6 or 7 flavors, the tomato basil is the best), meats, cheeses and brascioles that you'll ever find. The last time that I was in that shop I got very nostalgic. My late father would literally have had tears well up in his eyes at the sight of those beautiful foods. A non-Italian can never imagine how much joy that an Italian can find in fine foods.

This has been one of the best threads on this board in a long time. Thanks Pete.

Posted by mr jig on 2002 PM:

Fellas what a thread!!

Single most human thread ever to appear on NYB. Thanks Pete for a terrific kick off.
I am half Italian and half German.
My background was 100% German.
I married a pure Italian.
Let me tell ya, Italy and Germany may have been alies in the Axis but they have NOTHING in common.
I LOVE IT
dick.

Posted by Gregg on 2002 PM:

John those little balls with the honey are called struffuli (sp)

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Posted by Hooked Solid on 2002 PM:

Mrs. Hooked Solid

Being a full blooded Italian from Ozone Park I enjoyed reading everyone's stories. It has brought back so many memories from my childhood, the eating never stopped!!! Paul's first dinner with my family was truly an experience for him - he filled up on the first course of pasta not knowing that there were four more courses not including dessert ahead him! and you know Italians you never turn food down even if you are full - that would be a total insult. I should have warned him, I naturally assumed that all nationalties would know the whole food thing with Italians. Thanks for the laughs!

I read things from time to time on NY bass and enjoy everyone's friendships, nice to visit!!

P.S. - if anyone is from Queens did you ever visit the homes in Howard Beach during Christmas - it was a tradition every year , us ginnies sure know how to decorate our homes ...><>...

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Posted by Pete L on 2002 PM:

Really glad everyone enjoyed reading it. i crackup every time i read it over.

Gregg - What part of Italy is your family from.??????????LOL
Me and Annmarie were trying to remember what they were called all day. Her father makes them every year.

Pete

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Pete LaFemina

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

Posted by Bass Rat on 2002 PM:

Mrs.Hooked, I remember the HB houses. They would cause the streetlights on the belt pkwy to get dim when everyone turned on their lights

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Posted by Gregg on 2002 PM:

Ha Haaaaa

My wife's side of the family Pete

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Posted by HookUp on 2002 AM:

I have tears running down my eyes.

That was funny.

My family is German and eats allot of weird things for Christmas, smoked eal, anchovies, meat salad, russian eggs, wieners, snitzel.

I learned at a very early age to NOT include girl-friends in that celebration. And my wife agrees with me, now.

Posted by Scott C on 2002 AM:

How could a guy with the last name of Cacopardo NOT respond to this ???

quote:

A non-Italian can never imagine how much joy that an Italian can find in fine foods.

That says it all......

When my Italian grandmother was still alive she used to soak a huge chunk of salt cod in the bathtub for 3 days prior to the feast. Back then it was the thing to do if you wanted Bacala.....
Our meals started and ended just like you all described....all the brosuitta (sp) capicolla, cheeses, breads, shrimp, baked clams, stuffed mushrooms you could imagine mixed in with a huge antipasta......this started at about 2 pm. We would eat this like it was our last meal ! Then at 3 we would sit down for teh REAL food........of course we had the mandatory Lasagna....with all the trimmings (meatballs, sausage, pork, beef in a huge bowl) The table was filled with all kinds of other goodies, Brocoli Rabe, Fresh stringbeans saute'd in garlic and oil, some other stuff that I cant remember (lining of stomachs) yuk....but we ate it.....pork skins, calamari all over the place, The bacala that was in the tub days prior and all sorts of other things......
Then the next course was always a Roast beef.....again with all the trimmings......roasted potatoes, more veggies, more calamari,
more more more of everything !! And the decanters of wine were botomless as were the loaves of semolina bread......even when you were a kid....you had wine.
Then the HUGE bowl of nuts !!! and the Fenok !! (SP) Fennel....this was supposed to help you digest...as you ate more and more........

Then the deserts......all the italian specialties....the annisette...the espresso, the cookies, the fruits..........my GOD

Then the nap..............and then the leftover roast beef sandwiches and re-heated lasagna.......

I would fart and belch like the men.........and wait for Santa.

Great memories !

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