Some fishing funnies
Fishing - What most of us do instead of CATCHIN
Bassboat - A large hole in the water for you to pour your money into. Usually
requires a new pickup to pull it.
Fisherman - A jerk at one end of a line waiting for a jerk on the other.
Clear Water - What comes out of the Ozarks bottles on a hot fishing day
Dirty Water - What you drink from the bottom of the ice chest when all the
Ozarks water is gone on a hot fishing day
Point - What everyone does at the ramp when you forget to put the plug in.
(sometimes "laugh" goes with point)
Point (2nd definition) - The part of a hook you can't see when it is imbedded
in your finger
Stick up - What happens to you if you are alone after dark at a boat ramp
Finesse Fishing - Talking your wife into letting you go.
Hump - What married guys have to do to get to go fishing
Pre-spawn - Foreplay
10 inch Power Worm - Nevermind...
Trick Worm - What she expects from it.
Drop-off - What you do post-spawn
Channel - What guys that don't hump flip on Saturday mornings
Flat - What you get on the way home from the lake
Cut - What you do to get the hook out of your finger
Jig - What you do when your wife finds you at the bar instead of the boat ramp.
Line - What you give your wife when you come back late from fishing.
Backlash - What you get from your wife after you give her your line.
Bed - The place you will not get to sleep if your wife doesn't believe your
line.
Doghouse - Your new home if your wife doesn't believe your line.
Lure - What tackle makers use to get your money.
Tackle Shop - The place where more bass are caught and more deer killed, than
any other place on earth.
Crankbait - A lure designed specifically for catching boat carpet, landing
nets, and thumbs
Favorite bait - The one you caught your last fish on.
Tackle box - A contraption designed to tangle all of your lures together into
one giant ball.
Sunny beach - The guy that is fishing in your spot
Bass Hole - The guy that horns in on the spot you are fishing
Reel - How big you wish your last bass was.
Confidence - What you would have if you actually caught a fish, but that you
need in order to catch that dam Bass in the first place.
Milk-Run(s)- What you get when you forgot about your lactose intolerance and
ate too much ice-cream.
Flip and Pitch (as in "a fit")- What your wife does when she finds
out the real cost of your equipment.
Twitch twitch, pause - The end of a good whizz
Texas Rig - '65 Chevy pulling a battered 14 foot LoneStar with a 5 hp Evinrude
with two adults and six kids piled in to go catfishin'.
Trolling Motor - Gift given to wife for the 10th Wedding Anniversary
BassMaster - One who has donated all his worldly possessions and money to his
Master- the bass.
__________________
Pig joke
This was just sent to me, Thought y'all could use a laugh. If any
one gets offended please ask John G. or me to delete it.
Barry
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig
and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's
house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."
And he
did!!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,
"Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick
Pig let
the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow
your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's
house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our
houses
down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said,
"I'm
gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick
pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A
few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step two
massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats.
These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living
shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth
and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their limo and drove
off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!!
"Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins from Brooklyn ... the Guinea Pigs."
Another Funny
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story
and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy,
God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,
which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye
grandma.
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the
crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch
sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He
felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he
stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed
a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never
seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
Fish Joke
an oldie ...
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
Joke!!!
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were
approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation
of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped
for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,"
Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?"
The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr
gerrrrrr Kiiiing."
Gunfight Rules
Remembering how frustrated some members of this board became last winter(and
many were able to fish open water almost all winter)& this winter may be a
long one.I thought maybe these should be posted early for all to print out:
USMC Rules for Gunfighting
1. Bring a gun.Preferably,bring at least 2guns,And bring any friends that own
guns.
2.Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice,Ammo is cheap,Death is
expensive
3.Only hits count
4.If your shooting stance is good,you're probably not moving fast enough nor
using proper cover
5. Move away from your attacker,distance is your friend
6.If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight,bring a long gun and a friend
with a long gun.
7.In 10 yrs.nobody will remember the details of caliber,stance,or tactics.They
only remember who lived
8 If you are not shooting,You should be communicating,reloading or running.
9. Accuracy is relative:most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on"pucker
factor"than the inherant accuracy of the gun
10. Always cheat;always win.the only unfair gunfight is the one you lose.
11.Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
12.Always tactical load,and threatscan 360 deg.
13Decide to be aggressive enough,Quickly enough.
Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun UNLESS the caliber starts with a
"4"
Navy Rules for a Gunfight
1.Go to sea
2. Send the Marines
3. Drink coffee
Joke
Before reading this joke, I ask that any of you of Italian descent
not be offended by it. It is just a joke.
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little
trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something
a little more exotic.
After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because
they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one
of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.
A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they
neared, the vampires made their move.
Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies
into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and
decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later
and suffered the same fate as the first-sucked dry and tossed into the canal
below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.
In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two
couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the
canal.
The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner
but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away
they began to hear some singing.They were puzzled
because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it
was coming
from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the
water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the
alligator sang:
"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
Joke of the day
A New York fisherman dies and goes to heaven. At the
gates of Heaven, he's greeted by Saint Peter and welcomed into the kingdom of
heaven.
"So, this is Heaven?" the fisherman asks
"Yes, you made it son" Saint Peter states calmly, "Let me show
you around and explain some things".
The two start walking through heaven and Saint Peter is showing the old
fisherman the sights and explaining to him what everything is about when the
old fisherman see's someone he knows...
"Saint Peter, I think we just passed my friend Jay... and... what... I
think...
"Yes", Saint Peter states, "that was your friend Jay and yes,
your eyes aren't deceiving you, he was handcuffed to the ugliest, wrinkliest
old woman you ever saw... and yes, she was totally naked!"
"But why?" the old fisherman asks.
"Well", Saint Peter explains, "Your friend Jay did some really
bad things in his life that I'm not at liberty to say. His punishment is to be
handcuffed to that naked old hag for eternity".
"Oh, how terrible!", The old fisherman exclaims as they continue on
their way. Just then, the old fisherman see's his friend Bill and Bill is also
handcuffed to an old wrinkled woman... totally naked.
"Saint Peter?"
"Yes, your friend Bill did some really bad things in his life that I'm not
at liberty to say. His punishment is to be handcuffed to that naked old hag for
eternity".
They continue on the tour of heaven when all of a sudden, the old fisherman see's
John G. TOTALLY NAKED and handcuffed to Angelina Jole!
"Saint Peter!", the old fisherman yells, "Why is my friend John
G, totally naked and handcuffed to Angelina Jole?"
"Well, son", Saint Peter explains, "Angelina Jole did some
really bad things in her life...
Signs
An oldie but a goodie............enjoy
Stupid People By Andy Rooney:
"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm
stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask
them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your
sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of
boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and
says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once
or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of bass and
this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope.
Talked'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery
Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way
to test it. "
Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They
want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when
they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna
lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at
my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I
couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over
to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then
says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could
have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and
I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and
eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
questioning...okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a
sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help
myself!
I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and
said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said,
"Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes
ago. Here's your sign."
Wednesday Humor
I can get away with this since I have blonde hair .....
Hiccups
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him
something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT...
But my wife out in the car still does!"
Blonde Humor
A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye
seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
------------------
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''
The blond yelled at the doctor...
''I came here to get medical help, not get sexual harassment!!''
------------------
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit
of fun.
So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe
until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what
she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
For Meg....
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
and help
me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I'd want you to relax..... Let's have
a
nice cup of coffee, and then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all
these
Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Blind man
enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to
a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he
yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know
five
things ....
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, Nah, not if
I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I am gonna die at the hands of Meg....
ICE FISHING
A blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books
on the subject and finally, after getting all the necessary
tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice. Suddenly -- from the sky -- a voice
boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of
cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite
end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut a hole.
The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"
Subject: Leaving Work
Early
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female
boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she knowthey
went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening. Spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before
meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she
got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly,
she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her
lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave
early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
A blonde
girl says to her mom...
"Mommy, today in school our class counted to 10, But I counted all the way
to 15. Is this because I am blonde ? "
The mother says:
" Yes dear its because you are blonde."
The next day the girl proclaims:
"Mommy, today in school our class said the alphabet up to the letter H,
but I said it up to M. Is this because I am blonde ?"
The mother replies:
" Yes dear its because you are blonde."
On the third day the girl sits down with her mom and says:
"Mommy, today in school we were playing in gym and i noticed that I have
boobies and all the other girls dont. Is that because I am blonde ?"
The mother looks concerned and says:
"No dear, its because you are 26.